The Hallway Epidemic

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“May the odds be ever in your favor”

Aimee Smidt, Staff Writer

This has gone on too long, fellow students. This has been in dire need to be addressed. I know you all know that this is a problem. What is the problem, you ask? Hallway walking.

  • WALK FASTER: Repeat after me, “I am not a turtle. I am not a turtle. I am not a turtle. I am not a turtle. I AM NOT A TURTLE. I. AM. NOT. A. TURTLE.”
  • STAY ON YOUR SIDE: The hallway is like a road. Do you drive on the left side of the road? No. You drive on the right side. Case closed.
  • MAKE UP YOUR MIND: Are you going to turn? Turn. And please, do so quickly as there are people behind you.
  •  BE CONSCIOUS OF YOUR MASSIVE BACKPACK: Massive backpack people: please be aware that people who are of or around the stature of a 5’3 female are sick of getting smacked in the face with 25 pounds of pure over-preparation every time you turn.
  • DO NOT PICK THAT PENCIL UP: If you drop your pencil in the hallway, kiss it goodbye. There is no way you can possibly pick it up without 400 people colliding into each other, causing a major traffic jam, and then everybody, including yourself, is late to class. Don’t do it. Don’t pick that pencil up.
  • TEACHERS CAN HEAR YOU: Recent studies have found that the teacher species actually has ears! Be aware of your surroundings in the hallways. If you must talk about whatever nasty thing you did, your friend did, or the person your friend kind of knows from the person you met at that football game, please do it elsewhere. Also, refrain from using vulgar language in the hallway, as teachers can hear that too. (Consult page 21 in the Lincoln-Way Parent-Student Handbook if there are any further questions on this matter)
  • NO MORE THAN TWO PEOPLE NEXT TO EACH OTHER: This is particularly infuriating if a group is walking at a TURTLE PACE (see rule one) and the person behind them actually is walking like they are at school and have somewhere to be, not taking a Sunday stroll.
  • STOP BLOCKING THE STAIR DOORWAYS: Use the common sense every human being was born with on this one! Exit out of the doorway on the right and do not stop to make conversation on the way down or up. Not only is that inconsiderate, it is also a fire hazard.

As for all matters regarding the PPS hallway intersection, may the odds be ever in your favor.